As I taught your teen to tell me absolutely everything!
Working to develop the confidence of the teenager will have to work. Even parents close to their children, beginning to feel the loss of contact as they grow older kids and turning them into teenagers. How to establish communication?
We publish an informative article that will help you. In her mother shared his positive experience in creating a warm and trusting relationship with his daughter.
Once my daughter - a teenager - together with your friends was in the movie. When I called her to coordinate Uber it on the way home, she did not answer. Finally, after 2 hours, she said that once again at this time was on the way to the house. Something did not fit.
I told her that I began to worry when she did not answer. The next morning she came into my bedroom and said: "Mom, I have to be honest, was not in the cinema yesterday. I was at the get-together. " For "unadvanced" parents, I will explain, "party" - this is the most common party with "tusuyushchimisya" youngsters. Original, right?
We live in a more or less peaceful and quiet suburb of a sufficiently large and sometimes very hectic metropolis. I knew that to raise children in such a diverse environment meant that they quickly learn to maneuver. I therefore needed to bring them up so as to be sure that they are able to independently make decisions.
That is why from the kindergarten, we played the game, when I asked her what kind of a situation, and then interested in her opinion: in its view, it was a healthy / safe situation?
- It is possible to eat for dinner a bunch of candy?
- No, unfortunately, it is not healthy.
- You can cross the road without holding an adult's hand?
- Sometimes, depending on traffic.
Any situation that goes beyond the health or safety box, raised me to discuss them and make independent decisions. - Can I go to school with neraschesannymi hair?
- Sure, why not, if you think you look like now so terribly in vogue!
This is my universal rules of raising children - these rules determine when I should intervene, and when I can with a clear conscience sit back. So when my daughter admitted that she had lied about this get-together, I went back to our favorite section on health and safety. I calmly explained to her: "My daughter, if I do not know where you are, I can not protect you in case of need."
I ran several scenarios: What if you're at the party realized that begins some zavarushka? Or if you suddenly become ill? Because of this lie, you would probably not dare to call me and ask for help. But this is a safety issue.
I did not interrogate or try to shame her. I told her that I thought her "a very clever and capable", but that sometimes life can give us in the nuts, and I would like to help her to catch and see through them. She agreed that from now on will always keep me informed of where it is and where it is going.
I told all my friend, who also brings a teenager. She wondered why I had not scolded her daughter's lies. But it was not my task. I had to keep our confidential communication.
Subconsciously, I felt that strict disciplinary action will give her daughter an excuse to shut down on me and lied again next time. I also wanted it to have learned to make their own decisions and always contact me to decide when it will be difficult.
If we want our children to speak to us about all their experiences (including sex, drugs and a situation where they can feel like a victim), and we hope that our wise counsel "reach" the addressee, we need to work on, For communication to be two-sided.
1. Let the children have their own ideas and values
Our children - it is individuals, which tend to be different from our values. All of us, parents, it is very difficult to accept.
The resistance to the presence of the children of his own thoughts and position in life sometimes brings them to the fact that they run away from home or trying to commit suicide. Therefore they are related closely to my words.
Your child - an individual. Give him the opportunity to express their individuality. After all, a child - it's not your property, or even yourself.
2. Be curious
The best thing you can do is to show your child that you're interested in who they are. When my children were in kindergarten, I played with them in the game: "Vanilla ice cream or chocolate" / "Vacation on the beach or in the mountains?" / "Mad at me or at my father?".
Although it looked like meaningless chatter, I learned so much about them. If you show interest, even the most insignificant little things, it will open a portal to a more trusting relationship between you.
3. Take care of your personal life
Perhaps you too are focusing on your teen to avoid thinking about his personal life? Carl Jung said: "Nothing is so burdened children, but lived a life of their parents."
He also said: "Children learn from what their parents who, rather than on their stories about what they consider themselves".
You bring up a full-fledged personality? Or you try to ask their children to realize their dreams do not come true? If your children uchuyut impure intentions, they immediately cease to share with you my thoughts.
4. Get familiar with his personal history and trauma
I have a girlfriend. Her maturing daughter came to her to share her thoughts about sex. In my girlfriend during his narrative suddenly I burst into tears and confessed that she was afraid for her daughter. My friend molested when she was 15 and, without even wanting to, she projected his injury to his daughter. Since her daughter stopped talking to her mother about intimate matters. When she was at a loss to tell me about it, I invited her to go to a psychologist to separate their painful experience of quite sensible and natural intentions of her daughter.
Separate your story and the story of her new children. If you can not speak the uncomfortable topics as you want them to raise your children?
5. Learn to listen to
You listen as much as you say? You use "I" -Concept ( "I want to be sure that you're safe," instead of "You're ruining my life!")? If communication with a teenager threatens to escalate into devastating debate, inhale deeply and ask yourself whether or not to disagree with the thoughts and actions of their child, or is it better to listen carefully and try to understand it.
There is no perfect parents. But if you're trying to send, but not control, if you deal with their own motives and problems and if you really listen - you have every chance to develop with your children a strong, honest and open communication.